"Manage your expectations about the holidays" - Dr. Phil
Phil's in the Blanks
You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors: Because you lack the courage to get real about what is driving the pain and problems in your relationship, you criticize your partner about one thing when you're really upset about another. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced is never real. The real issues will eventually burst forth in a torrid way.
Misdirecting your partners attention or what is going on in a relationship
You talk about topics rather than issues in a relationship
Here’s how to know if dealing with issue superficially: - You keep coming back to the same problem - Your interactions approach but then you eject... the closer you get the steeper the hill gets (approach avoidance conflict) - Talking passionately of problems of other people but mirrors what is bothering - You and your partner says you’re pretty vested in that problem... like you’re talking about us... and you deny. - You get very defensive if your partner asks straight up (“Is there something bothering you”)
50% of solving any problem is putting it on the table and defining it
#1 fear is REJECTION
Thanksgiving Journey: -Manage your expectations Don’t put added pressure on yourselves (such as costs, gas, travel time, etc...) Is it in your families best interest if the expectations are unreasonable? -Every family has issues Make a decision before you go, that you have the right to pick your battles and your battlefields You have the right to decide when you want to fight those battles DECIDE that is NOT on Thanksgiving Thanksgiving is not for problem solving, it’s for giving thanks Don’t talk politics or existing problems -Reflexive Biting Come late, leave early Stay at hotel if you can afford it
You Will Not Forgive: When you choose to bear anger at your partner, you trap yourself in pain and agony — and the negative energy can crowd every other feeling out of your heart. If you wallow in resentment and refuse to forgive and move on, you will tear up your own life and your relationship. You can't change the past but you can deal with the resulting feelings and hurt by truly forgiving. They just will not forgive - Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice - If you won’t forgive then you need to set them and set yourself free and move on - You can forgive people that don’t even know you’re forgiving them. It’s not for them. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness (Compares anger to skunk spraying in house story) - Just because you forgiving doesn’t mean that behavior is okay. It doesn’t mean you will forget
To Do: -Make a list of those people that have transgressed against you or those you love. -Do not carry a grudge... letting them live in you head rent free. Get it out of there!!